21:34
Decided to increment the blog a bit so I can separate my personal interests from "diary" bits. Spoiler: failed, I don't want to change much now to be honest
This also relates pretty much with something with have been in my mind for some time: I started getting more into computers because of things that interested me. RPG Maker games, MMOs and such. As well as social interaction from Orkut, MSN (at least as a late 90s Latino American person).
I would say that, at least from my inner circles, I was one of the first to get "addicted" to being online on the computer. Anyway, most of this "backstory" point is that I was there because I wanted and that was good for me. I had to learn how to code if I wanted to make a flash RPG such as the ones I played on Kongregate, Crazy Monkey Games and etc.
The fact is that I wanted to do that. Because I like to create and imagine fantasy words inspired by things that I lived, played with and consumed. I had multiple blogs, youtube channels and always enjoyed sharing knowledge with curious minds such as mine that really seemed to want to understand the things I did. At some point things started working and the more I made tutorials and got trivially known, having the expectations of specific kinds of videos in subjects that I didn't enjoyed or didn't felt interesting made me completely lose the joy of doing it.
My initial proposal was that as long as someone was watching, I'd keep sharing this stuff. But at some point I lost interest in the tech I was teaching, or simply wanted to do my own projects insteads of teaching specific things. At same time the pressure of thinking about things I wanted to create (just because I knew it would perform well on youtube) + things people were asking, which were mildly different from what I enjoy + other responsibilities only kept accumulating (or at least seemed to).
During this period a lot of things changed in my life as well, having a partner, making my skills as a software engineer into a full-time job and quickly getting higher salaries and responsibility due my huge accumulated heap of confused and general knowledge (although no proper computer science background, just liked solving problems and learned in my ways how to do so) it was pretty easy to "merge". But seems hard to keep.
Every situation I have to handle seems to somehow keep accumulating during all these years and I lost the joy of creation and discovery (for the most time, but not completely to be fair)
(had to pick up intercom, got lost a bit)
At the same time every time I start a new side project to distract myself or try to give life to my creative ideas, I just can't get past the overthinking, overengineering, analysis paralysis and all the other stuff there comes.
I had a theory of it being related with using the same tools, computer and places for working and personal stuff, but now that I wrote all that it's kinda debunked. It seems to be more related to the amount of things "I know that I don't know yet" versus the available paths to achieve/learn/fulfill these gaps.
When I didn't knew what I didn't know, it seemed to be much simpler, do the first solution, then improve when I had some problem. If I can acknowledge that, why can't I change it in practice in order to do something?
I know there are some things that I want, I've put some notes on paper today about:
[redacted specifics that don't matter for this text at all]
What now? Break into more steps? Smaller steps? Why is it sometimes so hard to just progress?