17:05

I'm struggling. Why can't I be a typical person?! I have a big theory that technology has some influence on this, although it's pretty much known that I am *atypical*

It's been so hard to work, I really just wanted to throw everything away and get some time off to focus only on myself. I can't stop thinking about personal projects I want to make and at the same time I can't even plan and understand what I want to do, this is definitely some way of coping with.

I've been a bad friend and probably a bad partner. For sure a bad worker because I simply can't get shit done. There's a huge graph of thoughts flowing at same time and yet I can't focus or grasp one single thing to process entirely and it's SO INTENSE. After pushing this post I probably will suddenly feel better and start doing house chores again (or not) but surely it would be better to be something consistent than huge and intermittent at it is…

Anyway, I read more from Dracula today's morning so this is a small win. Really enjoying the book. Failed in answering some of my friends, but guild of writing this will give me the willpower to do that properly!

And there was a fucking missing test to take. At this point I don't even know if I want to understand more about how atypical am I. My therapist said that they got intrigued about my intelligence, this must be one of the reasons of making a lot of testing. I'm pretty curious about what "kind" of intelligence this refers to since I feel completely dumb and can't make sense of anything at the moment. Also been feeling pretty anxious and paralised by multiple options to move on with something.

Do I want to "finish" my "online game"? Do I want to use something different from my daily job? -- Been thining about Go. I can go much faster with Node and TS but I feel bad for using it and maybe this is just one more trigger. Sorry if I sound shallow… Do I want to be recognized? Fame? I don't fucking know

Right now I just want to take a nap

A friend sent me a video that seems really cool but right now my mind makes me feel like "aaargg… so long I don't have a brain to process that" and it feels really bad to "not be on the mood for X", at least for me. I don't want to let people down, but won't I anyway?

Last interview today, it was with an Engineering Director. Not sure if the dude didn't liked me or was just in a hurry (which looked like from the start to be honest)

This feeling, that I'm not even satisfied and nothing is enough is so bad. And I'm so volatile, it's hard to live.

Some quotes that I relate:

I can't get no satisfaction

The Rolling Stones, Satisfaction

This will never end, 'cause I want more More, give me more, give me more

Fever Ray, If I Had a Heart

One might think that the person writing this is greedy. But the reality is just struggle, lots of creative ambitions with no willpower due to how the system work. At the end, no work = no money. Have to remember that. Grug brain.

…

22:03

I think I was rude to my partner. I hate my lack of tact